Is this it?

So, as I sit here typing, I am wondering why. This has been something I have been thinking about doing for quite a while now. Mostly, because I have a lot to say but also because sometimes I feel lost in my world. You know how you always picture your life going a certain way. . . well I did that once. I knew since I was little what my "calling" was. I was going to grow up and be a mommy. I knew in high school the man that I was going to marry. I knew we would have four kids, I would raise them and when they went off to school I would go back to volunteering for something I was passionate about before I had them (like when I was in college).

Well, here I am seven years in to marriage with the most perfect man I could have ever married. Yes, I married my high school sweetheart and he is the love of my life. He is definitely the man that God created uniquely and specially for me. So, check one on the score board. I have fulfilled my calling of being a mommy. I have an amazing, strong, smart, almost five year old who gives me strength and meaning everyday. So, put another point on the board. This is where it stops. . . I have one baby who actually does fulfill my life more than I could have ever imagined but as he has taught me, just when you think things are "supposed" to go one way, God reminds you that he is in the drivers seat of this crazy thing called life.

I recently told a friend of mine that I feel so lost sometimes because this was not supposed to be my life. What? I have an amazing husband, an amazing son, amazing friends and family, and ultimately an amazing life. However, I never in a million years dreamed that God would put me on a one way road taking care of a special needs child.

You see, almost five years ago, I had a beautiful, healthy, 8 lb. 12 oz. baby boy that was the picture of health. He was so beautiful. I looked at him and knew that he was my world and that he was absolutely a gift from God. He was the one especially chosen for me. So, anyway, on to the road of my life. . . for the first 10 hours, he was amazingly perfect. Because of a rough delivery, he had to spend a few days in the NICU but what the heck. Anyway, 10 hours into this wonderful thing called motherhood, I knew something was wrong with my baby who was violently projectile vomiting across the NICU. And so it started. . . this journey to get me to where I am today. My world is my son, Carter Andru.

I have blogged about his journey on his caringbridge web site for the past few years and will continue to do so but now, this is my turn. I am taking this small moment of selfishness. I need a place to share my personal battles in life and in being Carter's mom (but without being Carter's mom). Maybe I have become slightly jaded but I assure you, my faith has never wavered one bit. It irritates my when the "normal" mom's who have no understanding of a day in my life, say, "you know you are so special because God gave Carter to you and only you. He knew you could and would take care of him." Yeah, that is easy for you to say because you are not the one up at all hours of the night trying to help you half coherent child fight a fever because his body is literally attacking itself. You don't have to travel every two months half way around the country to get medical treatment for your child. You don't have to take on insurance companies, clean tubes, or worry about aspiration pneumonia. You don't have to wonder everyday if your son's body will eventually give up and allow cancer to grow. You don't have to worry about delays or mitochondrial disease.

However, all of that being said, I do not feel sorry for myself. I do feel extremely blessed because I get to wake of every morning to a beautiful little boy who is stronger than any other person I have ever known. I get to steal his kisses and hear his sweet little voice tell me he loves me. I get to go on this journey with him. So, I guess, in reality, this is not my life but our life.